Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Most Tragedy in the World

Okay, I must warn you, this blog may be very traumatic. If you keep reading please know that what you are about to read will make you cry. Only the coldest of cold hearts could make it through this terrible story without shedding tears. Seriously.
You've been warned....

So it all started with a tape. VHS tape that is... Darren and I were watching a porno film years ago and it got stuck in my combo television and vhs player. That was a tragedy in and of itself right there I tell you. So, we try to wedge it out of the player with the end result being hundreds of yards of tiny fornicating couples (at least 2 people per frame anyway) reeling out onto my floor. The television coughed out Kiki Goes to College like a cat with an atomic hair ball. Unfortunately strings of adult film were still stuck in the teeth of the vhs player. As we flossed the tv and got all the tape out, the flat plate that the tape sits on popped out too. Crap, dental surgery. We shove the plate back in, hook up the dvd player to it and put it in the Bitch Cave.

5 years later........

"Tim Curry was a scary clown, a 1920's speech therapist, a pirate..."
"He can do anything!"
"I loved him in Muppet Treausre Island!"
"I have The Great Muppet Caper."
"That's the best movie ever!"
"I agree! Let's watch it right now. I've got it on vhs."
"Oh cool, I think this tape player works. One of our tv's ate a tape and doesn't work anymore."
"Let's try it on a movie I don't care about and then we'll watch the Muppets."

Robby hands me an old tape and I put it in the tape player. The vhs starts playing and we watch several minutes of a movie. I fast forward, stop, rewind.... all those things you do to to check a vhs' ability to play. So, Robby hands me another vhs and I put it in the cassette player. We watch some static, then a movie comes on. We see the distinct wobbly lines, slightly off colors, non digital sound and all the glory that is vhs. *Resume vhs functionality experiment* Everything works wonderfully! Yay!!!!
"Put in the Muppets!!!!!!!" *said in unison*

We put in the tape, sit back and put our feet up. I press play. Nothing happens. I press play. Same result. I press play. At last! We see the opening screen! woo yeah! Oh wait, what's happening? Why did the movie stop? NnnnooooooooooooOOOOO!

I eject the tape and there are several feet of furry capering icons lying stretched on the table. I didn't want to pull the tape more and neither did Robby. He suggested cutting the tape since we were going to have to pull it out anyway. I get my tiny scissors as close to the tape door as possible. I want to minimize the damage. I carefully cut the tape and pull the cassette. Not only is most of the tape not stretched (there was a good portion stretched out, but not all of it), but the bit of tape stuck in the player was just barely under the door. As soon as I cut it, the tape slipped easily out of the door.

This was the catalyst to a night of mourning. We mourned the loss of the tape and the growing tragedy that befell The Muppets in their last moments. Please take a moment of silence to honor and remember Jim Henson and the Tape That Shall Never Play Again.

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